daily do

"And so the mature man would take the world as it comes, and within himself remain quite unperturbed. When he acted, he would know that he was only testing an hypothesis, and if he failed he would know that he made a mistake. He would be quite prepared for the discovery that he might make mistakes, for his intelligence would be disentangled from his hopes. The failure of his experiment could not, therefore, involve the failure of his life, and, to the understanding, defeat is no less interesting than victory...

Since nothing gnawed at his vitals, neither doubt nor ambition, nor frustration, nor fear, he would move easily through life. And so, whether he saw the thing as comedy, or high tragedy, or plain farce, he would affirm that it is what it is, and that the wise man can enjoy it."

-Walter Lippmann

When nothings are plucked

Good day to you.

-It welcomes me like a familiar smell whose origin can't be placed.

How have you been?

-The emotions that surround this tone burst into flames.

I'll be going then.

-Action boils, but options put a lid on the steaming pot that screams "I'm ready."

Bye.

-When you want to know someone, how do you wait? I have been branded by an affection that grew too large for its home. Like a tree whose roots naturally search the earth for nourishment, my curiosity has found a direction.

Doc, the best and the worst of times are here.

I am going to go to the doctor.

After I race, my breathing produces a cough that produces phlegm. My other symptom is a lack of sleep, which is why I'm awake right now. I am tired and I want to sleep. I want to feel good again.

I guess that a blog can be a memory to capture myself at a certain time. I'm writing this one so I can look back on it and be thankful that I'm no longer here, awake, writing memories that need to pass.

Grandpa Lehman was sick for a while and yet without a complaint he died. My grandma and I often recall with amazement his spectacular feat. I have to wonder how he pulled it off. I'm drawn to the idea that he loved my grandma so much that he gave her his very best even until his dying day.

If this sickness that is keeping me awake, stealing my energy and my breath, turns out to be the beginning of the end (yes, this is getting a bit dramatic), then I could only hope to meet my end with as much honor as my grandfather.

Maybe the doctor will know what to do.

Single Man. Conjectures on the Unknown.

This post is necessary. It should make me look like more of a fool though, which is rather typical. I'm going to talk about romantic love as an outsider, as a failure. As always, I want to start a dialogue about these thoughts. Feel free to join in with me at any time. If necessity is born from desire then here I am starting with a universal desire to love. All of the current models from which I draw wisdom are those relational stories that capture what not to do. From those negative examples, I am trying to construct the positive.

How do we love? When I consider what a book might contain with this title, TIME and FAILURE seem like topics to include.

On Time.

She wants this, I want that.

To give her what she wants, go beyond communication:
1.) Think about her. What do you believe she needs?
2.) Ask her close friends, what does she need?
3.) Ask her father, what does she need?
4.) Ask her mother, what does she need?
5.) Pray and be your prayer that you will become what she needs.

To receive what I need, go beyond my own thoughts and communicated information:
1.) What do I need from the perspective of others?
2.) Ask.
3.) Pray and be your prayer of understanding.

Once needs are known, how should they be communicated?
- verbal requests?
- written requests?
- through analogy?
- within romance?
- temper tantrum?
Some effort should be spent applying thought to the options available for the unique opportunity to fit the situation.

What will make a relationship succeed?
Living examples --> Who? --> Dave and Renee
Dating, always dating --> How? --> Be creative with words 1 hour a week. Write about her and the ideas will follow.
Talking --> When? --> While we dance, while we are silent, while we eat, while we sleep.

On Failure.

In regards to love, I see failure everywhere. What is the common thread when relationships fall apart?
"I do not love you anymore."

How Lord can I become love's action and as such so much more than a mere desire to do so? ...

My thoughts: To the extent that love is seen as a desire, to that extent it will be less lovely. No one loves. No one.

We crave what love speaks or rather whispers in our thoughts, that is, being known. Despite our fragile appearance of goodness that veils our now unmasked ugliness, we receive our favor within love. Favor in the form of time. Favor in the form of communication. Favor in the form of presence. We receive what we know we want yet do not deserve. How do we secure an undeserved gift? We make promises with rings. We attempt to find the security. There must be something missing. If God is missing, let us find God.

Again, the common thread is: "I do not love you anymore."

The models in my life are filled with men who have had a wife that has added to this thread. I can learn from the two stories that I know the most.
1.) My father
- He left adventure out of his relationship.
- He did not make my mother his best friend.
- My mother's history communicated needs that were never explored.
2.) Paul
- He gained a lot of weight and left adventure out.
- He did not read books (even at the request of his wife).
- Him and his wife did not direct their thoughts at engendering the best version of themselves through the relationship.

My commitments must reflect active learning:
Starting today...
On reading:
1.) I will read the news for 10 minutes everyday.
2.) I will read a book for 20 minutes everyday.
On fitness:
3.) Every morning: push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups.
4.) I will have an active passion.
On adventure:
5.) I will author an adventure that creates a story to tell every month that I am alive.
To my love:
1.) I will search your needs with this shared philosophy:
"We are comfortable discussing the needs we possess. Our words are essential to create the environment that will change us into individuals that will ultimately serve one another in a dynamic way. By dynamic, we understand that we will both change, our needs will change, and as a result we will need to continually change one another. Finally, we stand strong on these foundations: 1.) You can be what I need. 2.) I can be what you need. 3.) Together we will form each other into the best version of ourselves."

Be known, float.

Naked in an infinitely dark tank filled with 10 inches of supersaturated salt water, I am floating. No I'm serious, I really am. The rare joy of knowing quiet enters my life as I become unable to distinguish the difference between having my eyes open or closed. Entirely engulfed in blackness, my mind sort of freaks out and suddenly leaps from one thing to the next, which is comical to watch. I am actually working to turn my mind away from considering that the tank might run out of oxygen. This fear prompts a hilarious self dialogue for sure. It is reminiscent of being afraid to climb above a clip except that this fear is much less rational. Eventually though, things really slow down. They slow way down. My thoughts focus on one act: my breath. Hitting this point, my body temperature tangles with the matching water temperature and brings my motionless body towards a comfortable numbness. I am not sure if I am moving through the water or at rest. I am entirely still. Then, I breath. As I inhale, my body moves further above the surface and upon exhale I come back. When my eyes are open, I see the exact same images as when they are closed. It's sort of like when you press your thumb against your closed eye, expect that this time those yellow sense images are painting my thoughts on a black canvas. Yet since I am having thoughts about these thoughts, they seem more like objects to reflect upon than visual explosions emanating from my mind. So I dive into the experience. As clouds can become anything with enough imagination, I begin to experiment with these images by seeing them as parts of my body, ideas for prayer, and reminders of those individuals in my life that directly influence my thankfulness.

This was the first waking hour of life that I've spent being motionless. I am still experiencing this unique gift, so I'm not sure how long this affect will last, but at the risk of sounding like a new age crystal wearing hippie, I must admit that I have a lifted spirit and blissful calm. Thank you Adam for this amazing gift. Necessity has a strange way of working itself into my life.

Buddy got the munchies

Staggering sideways, drooling uncontrollably and pissing like a leaky faucet that keeps you up at night by constantly dripping, Buddy is so sick that I have to take him to the emergency vet. Walking in to the emergency vet clinic, I am an emotional wreck, but I pull it together long enough to follow the clinician to a room where we are alone to wait for the veterinarian. As you might expect, I am quite anxious to get a diagnosis for my sick little puppy. As I start to tell Buddy "It's ok Bud man, the doctor will...." I absolutely burst into tears without finishing my sentence. Just as I started to cry with the sort of cry that turns the pronunciation of words to into short gasps of incomprehensible syllables, the vet walked in to examine Buddy. She greets me with a question.

Vet: "Hi. How are you?"

Me: "I..am..sad.." (tears)

Buddy: laying sideways on the floor

Vet: hands me a Kleenex, which I soil immediately.

Vet: "So has Buddy gotten into any substances that you know of."

Me: "River water and dog food." (The tears are slowing)

Vet: "He is exhibiting classic symptoms of pot ingestion."

Ok, so when she said this to me, I immediately felt her eyes burn into mine. Take note: I am wearing a shirt with a hole in it, shoes with holes in them, jeans that have food stains on the right leg and my hair is, well, you know, the usual jumble of unorganized curls. I could almost see myself in her eyes. Hence, I realized very quickly that no matter what I said, she was going to conclude that I was the one who accidently dosed my dog with mary jane.

Me: "Um...I don't smoke pot."

Vet: (with a big grin) "Well, your dog found some and didn't share it then."

She went on to tell me that Buddy will be ok by morning. I was still skeptical that my dog, my athletic frisbee catching cuddle machine, would have ingested pot. I mean, we're together almost 100% of the day. How the hell did he eat this stuff without me knowing? My skepticism brought on a urine test administered by the vet.

Buddy tested positive for the presence of marijuana. I guess he's officially entered his experimental teenager years.

Days 39-42: Baby, I'm coming home...but not yet!

I can't add a whole lot to these photos of various places in northern Italy. All I can say is that my last three days were not the sort of experiences that made me long to come home. Italy has been a blessing beyond compare.

This ballet dancer, Francesca, took me all over the place near her mountain home on the boarder of Italy and Switzerland.

We rode mountain bikes straight into the snow.

I heart Switzerland! We took a quick tour of Switzerland on my way back to Milan.